Keeping it real.....

It's been a long time since I've really shared my heart on the blog. I usually only post fun things about my kiddos with cute pictures! I can't help taking the opportunity to show off my little ones. They are such a blessing in my life that I want to share with all.

I finally put music on my blog and as I was listening to the song Indescribable by Chris Tomlin, I couldn't help but feel my heart being moved. This song has vast importance to me and will most likely always be my favorite worship song ever. For those of you that know me and know me well, know why this song grabs my heart. For those of you that don't....

About 10 years ago, I faced what would be every woman's nightmare in being caught in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong man who decides that he has the right to take advantage of you and force himself upon you and violate you in a way that no other ever had. It was a haunting night for sure. It forced me into lots of counseling and led me to lead a life that I wasn't proud of with drinking, etc. Months later after I had picked the man out of a 6 man line up at the Addison police station, I came to a cross road in having to make a decision to pursue him legally for his violation of me or to let it drop. I will tell you why only 1 out of every 4 rape victum comes forward...because the courts put you through hell and back.

At any rate....to speed up a really long story, on the day that I was to make a decision, I was on my face before God in desperation. I have to admit this was the first time that I had clung to Him as I was too ashamed to turn to Him. I was tired, scared, and so alone feeling...I had nowhere else to go. I made it to work with tears streaming my face, even went on a client call, only to get back to my office with a message from my roommate. When I called her back, she had told me that this man had been struck by lightning that morning on a golf course in Florida and was dead! That's right, he was struck by lightning.

How does this relate to the song? In the song, there is a line that says: "Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go..."

The first time I heard this song, my heart about stopped beating. It literally took my breath away as the tears immediately filled my eyes. I use this song as a reminder to me that He is looking out for me, that He does love me, and that He will never leave me nor forsake me.

So why, the post on an event that happened so many years ago? Not sure, except that my fingers started typing and my heart pounding as if I was supposed to write this right here, right now.

My heart has been scarred by a couple of events over this past year of my life and I have allowed them to consume me in so many ways. I allowed these scars to make me numb and shut me down spiritually. As you can imagine, this has not served me well in being a Godly wife, mom, or friend. I think as I was listening to the song tonight, it stung my heart just a little bit as I was reminded that God wants me, all of me. He wants my heart and He has my best interest at heart. With Him, I'm not alone. With Him, I become holy and find my happiness in Him and in His arms. I was reminded that He has a plan for me and I can't fulfill that plan feeling numb and being shut down! So now, I will be playing this song every single day as I pray for God to heal my scars and fill me with His love. I pray that He will draw me closer to Him and fill me with His love. He is completely indescribable!!! I have become a Martha instead of being a Mary and just sitting at the feet of Jesus. I am so busy with life and doing "good" things that I have not just sat down, simplified life and just rested in Him. I pray that you rest in Him....I long to just rest in Him.